BDSM when you have a family

[Scorpio]

Had to think carefully how to word that title, didn't want it to sound wrong!

A comment that Jadis made in response to my thread this week about my clip where I am chatting on the telephone about trying it out when the "gremlins" are away set me thinking.

How do those of you with families work these things?

I am lucky in that respect as the only person I have to worry about corrupting is the dog! He tends to just look bored to be honest.

I guess when they are little you can risk it when they are bed, but once they grow up a bit and are more aware of what is going on around them it must be more difficult.

I hope this topic doesn't infringe on the under 18 rule.

Scorpio ;)

[rugman]

Security security security.

Passwords on computers. Locks on doors to keep the gremlins out of places they ought not be. Locks on the locks if it's the one place you keep your gear.

When we have people over we either ship the gremlins off to their friends or relatives (can I call them "ogres"? hee hee). Now that one of them is an adult it's easier to hand off the keys to my Maserati, er, Chevy. :D

We went through the whole 18 years for one, and almost the same for the other, without either having a clue. It's achievable. Just takes aforethought and some preparation. And a willingness to tolerate times when the schedule thing just isn't going to work out for that night.

[tonguester]

Yes I can appreciate how difficult it must be for dommes. Where to hide all that paraphernalia?

[kinkstress]

Thank you thank you thank you for posting about this issue! I would not have had the balls to do it myself.... I'm always afraid that other people will judge me or think it's inappropriate to even bring up the topic of being a parent in conjunction with BDSM or fetish work or a BDSM lifestyle. But concerns do come up.

One thing that has been helpful to me is to do most of my communication through email. I don't give guys I session with my cell #, but I will take theirs in case something comes up and I need to call them. That way, I'm never having to take calls of a questionable nature while the kids are present. Also, I don't do anything other than email exchanges out of my home.

I've had two issues as of late that I've been struggling to deal with. (I'm relatively new to this stuff - still figuring it all out.) Maybe some of you can lend advice...

The first issue is that when I'm all gussied up and getting ready to leave for a session or video shoot, my daughter asks, "Mommy, where are you going?" I've never believed in lying to my kids, but this is really sticky. Obviously I'm not going to be completely honest..... Luckily, I've been able to satisfy her with my response, "I'm going to a meeting." I don't really do anything that requires me to get all decked out in PVC or leather, but when such occasions do come up, I schedule whatever I'm doing for after the kids go to bed.

The second issue, and perhaps it's specific to my situation, are questions from other parents and teachers about what I do. Historically, I've been a horrible liar (i.e. it's obvious when I'm lying) so I tend to lean toward truthfulness. This came up recently when I made the decision to pull my daughter from her school and enroll her in a private school. Other parents and fellow co-workers were blown away by the idea that I could afford it, and the questions soon followed. Everyone who asked was aware of the fact that we've always just squeaked by financially and are not one of the wealthier families at the school. My responses (depending on who I was talking to and the nature of my relationship with the person) ranged from being completely honest, to changing the subject, to giving a vague response about online businesses and the entertainment industry. I worry that this will be an ongoing issue, even so far as the other kids in her class asking what her mom does for a living....

So, is there a creative approach to this that others have employed? A way to respond to such inquiries with some degree of discretion while not overtly lying?

I hope that's not too much information, but any tips or opinions would be greatly appreciated!

[rugman]

First, thanks to everybody for being careful about Rule 9 (http://www.mistressdestiny.com/forums/showpost.php?p=543135&postcount=11). It's that kind of caution that warms an admin's black heart (as if I had one ;) ). I'd much rather have people be a little overly cautious than the other way around.

That said, I wrote the rule pretty specifically, and intended to allow a conversation like this. Nothing here discusses underage people in a sexual context.

Personally, I think this thread is inspired - excellent subject. And it's one of the best and most useful ancillary purposes to which an Mistress Destiny's Femdom Forum could be put.

Please, carry on...

[HerOttoman]

This info will be very handy in the future. Our little one is 8, and our activity is confined to the bedroom and fetish parties-- the latter of which, thankfully, always seem to fall on his fathers' visitation weekends. So we have had no problems at all, so far. And as honest and open as we are about this stuff with EACH OTHER, I would rather he NEVER found out. I am happy with who I am, but don't want to burden him with that, even when he's 18... it would kinda change the family dynamic too much, ya know? So, we keep the doors locked, say "Don't even TOUCH the computer, and stay out of our bedroom. The rest of the house is yours." It's worked so far, but it's been pretty easy...

[equidum]

Thank you for opening such a good thread, Ms Scorpio!

There are a great number of activities and levels in a Mistress/slave relationship, which, I think, can be gathered in three main categories :

Level A : Domestic slavery ( i.e all functions of a cook, butler, maid of all work, chauffeur.....all which has to be done in the house for the whole family...)
Level B : Personal slave ( Bath attendant, pedicure, massages,valet .... For the Mistress only, usually..)
Level C : Sex slave ( All imaginable kinks !!)

And then, there is a time/duration/fequency parameter : Will the "game" be played on certain periods only, or on a 24/7/365 basis ? For me, the "perfect" choice is to play the three levels, for ever. ( I've tried it, but for only a few months, alas, for reasons whose discussion would be irrelevant in this thread ....). Based on this too short experience, I can tell that level A is relatively easy to play vis a vis the family ( Three kids of 13,11 and 6 at that time...), while most of level B has to be played discreetly, and level C remains totally secret.

I can even say that I was really amazed, if not slightly frustrated, to see how easily, quickly and happily my kids accepted my new role of family-servant! We just had to lie a little at the beginning and pretend that, for health reasons, I had to be on a very strict diet ( to exlain why I SERVED the meals instead of sharing them), while also emphasizing my "work-oolism" to explain why I was doing all house chores and my wife, none .... ( My work-oolism is nearly true, BTW ...).

Anyway, after only a few weeks, I really felt I was truely considered as the family-servant at home! They all saw me cooking and serving their meals, vacuuming and srubbing their floors, washing and ironing their laundry, dusting their furniture, and polishing their shoes, and all that was completely normal! But, for my kids, I was not a slave! It was not BDSM at all! ( Well ...I hope so at least !). It was just that it was their father who did all that instead of their mother ( as is frequently the case), or a mix of father and mother, but I just did more, significantly more than their friends' parents.

Now, I don't know how far all this would have gone, had I remained longer in such a role ? Probably, in the long run, everybody would have understood that I was more than a work-oolic helping husband on diet ! But "everybody" taking advantage of this situation, "everybody" would have gladly supported it, I believe. And raised no questions.

If questions had been raised, I think that we should have honestly answered, underlining that it was our way to be happy, and, again, considering how useful it was to everybody, "everybody" would still have gladly approved my slavery !!!

This was the happiest period of my life !

Equidum

[Scorpio]

Just you don't think that I am ignoring this.

I am not feeling 100%.

Will write reply over the weekend!

Scorpio ;)

[Jadis]

Just so everyone doesn't think I'm ignoring this thread either - just a very busy, very rough couple of weeks ... but I DEFINITELY want to contribute to this thread so never fear: as soon as I'm able I'm posting away ~_^

[Daethian]

I don't have children so there's not much I can weigh in on except this:

No matter what lifestyle you choose it is NO ONE'S business what your financial situation is or how you afford xyz. Next time someone asks tell them that your finances are none of their business. HOW RUDE!

[equidum]

Just so everyone doesn't think I'm ignoring this thread either - just a very busy, very rough couple of weeks ... but I DEFINITELY want to contribute to this thread so never fear: as soon as I'm able I'm posting away ~_^

Belle Maitresse,

I will be awaiting, as patiently as possible, Your so highly desired post, remaining all the while,

Your humble slave

Equidum

[equidum]

Just you don't think that I am ignoring this.

I am not feeling 100%.

Will write reply over the weekend!

Scorpio ;)

I feel greatly honoured by Your attention, Madame. I hope You are not angered by the content of my post, though... Anyway, I'll be respectfully awaiting Your "bon plaisir".....

Equidum

[Jadis]

Had to think carefully how to word that title, didn't want it to sound wrong!

A comment that Jadis made in response to my thread this week about my clip where I am chatting on the telephone about trying it out when the "gremlins" are away set me thinking.

How do those of you with families work these things?

I am lucky in that respect as the only person I have to worry about corrupting is the dog! He tends to just look bored to be honest.

I guess when they are little you can risk it when they are bed, but once they grow up a bit and are more aware of what is going on around them it must be more difficult.

I hope this topic doesn't infringe on the under 18 rule.

Scorpio ;)

It's been an interesting and difficult road to be honest ...

Right now my children are young (relatively) but we're getting to an age where they're starting to question and figure things out for themselves. So, in a general sense of things ... we tend to hide our toys - beneath lock and key (now, as he had a rather poor moment with a set of cock rings that will forever been known as: plumbing gaskets in the future -lol-).

As for play in general: our play is late, after they're in bed (and they have an early bedtime already due to the hour in which we need to get up for school and work the next day). Obviously it's not as extensive or as "loud" as it might be while we're at the Kink Club ... but there's still a fair amount that we've managed to cover (such as - though it kills a bit of the sting - wearing pants/shirts/underwear ... which helps to dull the sound).

As for the future - when they get older? That's a good question ...

Am I ashamed of what I do? Not by a long shot. Do I want my daughters (and son) to be strong individuals: definitely! (in fact I think I'd be proud to learn that they shared my predilection) But am I going to be the one to tell them? I doubt it. I will probably let them discover and learn that one for their own.

How's that ~_^

xoxo Jadis

[Scorpio]

Thank you all for your very detailed and honest replies to my question.

As I said I don’t have a family myself so it has not been something I have had to deal with. The dog doesn’t seem to care, beyond getting in the odd clip or two ;)

As to the question about parents and friends. My Mum knows all about it and finds it quite amusing really, we talk very openly about it too openly sometimes as I have been known to make my guy very uncomfortable with some of the things I have told her :rofl: I realise that my Mum is one in a million in that respect not everyone could be as honest I can.

My closest friends also know all about it and I have even introduced a couple of them into a bit of femdom over the last couple of years. Pervy2 and I have been working on one friend for 5 years now and have finally got results with her. I can hardly wait to for the three of us to get together sometime.

I don’t do domination professionally but I do work on the net promoting porn. When I am asked about what do on the net I just say “promotional work” and leave it at that. If they press for more I usually play up the more mainstream things like books, lingerie etc. though I have to say that most people are satisfied with the “promotional work” answer.

Scorpio ;)