Cop Jokes

[kenrug]

Okay, if you insist, I'll start:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, the motorist sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo... of handcuffs.

[murki]

And you couldn’t post a picture version of this joke??? :D


I have one….


A bicyclist’s bike broke down so he called his buddy for a ride to the repair shop. His buddy had a small car so the bike wouldn’t fit anywhere. They tried to fit it in the trunk and even the back seat. Finally, somehow they tied it up to the bumper and the biker decided to ride it as the car towed it.
Just so that the driver doesn’t forget that he is pulling the bike and drive too fast, they decided that the biker will ring the bells on the bike every time the driver drives too fast.
This worked good for a while and they covered some good distance. Eventually the driver decided to put the music on and mistakenly forgot about the bike. He started to drive really fast (just his normal driving habit).
The bicyclist was going crazy being pulled at 90 mph, so he kept on ringing his bells like there is no tomorrow.
A cop was waiting by the highway and saw this car speeding away at high speed. He called his buddy (another Cop) who was waiting a mile ahead. He says to the other cop …. “There is a red car coming up your way at 90 mph.” The fellow officer replys… “Good, I was waiting to give ticket to someone.” The first cop says…. “No No No, let the car go but there is a bicyclist behind him who is also going 90 mph and ringing his bells to get the car out of his way. GET THAT SUCKER!!!

[Mistress Sara]

Not a 'cop joke' but still funny.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.


*******next**********

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

[RVD7]

:D

[scorpio]

These are not cop jokes but really funny, found them while looking for a killer of cop joke a freind sent me ... haven't found it yet but will continue to look!

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil", however, is masculine-"le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for Themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. no one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. the native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(... this gets better!!!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (le computer"), because:

1. in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. they have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won!


A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find
the Most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After
this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My
girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like! an eternity. Since then, no
one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize." But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system:
'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.


1st Place.
And the winner is . . . ..........

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your! throat".

Scorpio
;)

[murki]

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.



Special note: I know now I can get flamed by both male and female blondes. But Hey, I didn’t write this. But it is funny isn’t it? :D :) ;)

[bfrug]

Scorpio - that was the best set of jokes I've seen for a looooong time.

Really made my day - thanks for posting them.

[Footslave3000]

Just be glad that it is you and not Kenrug or you would risk the wrath of Mistress Sara.
Also I don't flame on the blonde jokes but I am blonde here.
But just in case who should I send the flowers to murki?

[jim2004291277]

A man leaves a pub, gets into his car and drives away. Half a mile down the road he's stopped by a police officer.
Officer: "Good evening sir. You appeared to be driving erratically so I must ask you to take a breath test. Would you please blow into this machine?".

Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air and have an asthma attack".

Officer: "In that case please come along to the station and we can give you a blood test."

Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".

Officer: "Well then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".

Man: "Can't do that either."

Officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Cause I'm completely pissed!"

[undrneath1]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[Footslave3000]

Very funny UN1!:D But anyway here is a cop joke that everyone will laugh.
An officer arrested a Democrat and the Democrat ask why am I being arrested for? The cop said, For making out with a police chief's daughter and trying to get in good with her. Democrat said That isn't a crime. The cop said, Yeah it is since you turned her into a republician.
Then the Democrat had to face a judge who gave him 5 days in jail + $50,000 fine. Then the next person who is a republician had to face the same judge who fined him $60,000 + 20 days in jail. That caused the Democrat to ask this question What did he do? The lawyer answered He dated the Judge's daughter who turned into a Democrat.
Start the bidding folks.

[McBain]

Sir Ian Blair :shooter:

Britain's "top cop"....he's the biggest joke of all!!

[bfrug]

Originally posted by McBain
Sir Ian Blair :shooter:

Britain's "top cop"....he's the biggest joke of all!!

Definatly I agree, but then with a surname like blair.............

[kenrug]

Let's stay on topic. There are lots of places around here to carry on with the bare political commentary (i.e. non-jokes).

[bfrug]

Originally posted by kenrug
Let's stay on topic. There are lots of places around here to carry on with the bare political commentary (i.e. non-jokes).

Ken - I take it you mean the post by McBain & my follow up - believe me if you lived in the UK you would understand !

However, I take it that the off topic jokes from Mistress Sara & Scorpio are OK ?

[murki]

Heard this from someone, many may have heard it before but I find it funny because the cop got :banghead:



One late night a police officer was stalking out a bar with the hope to catch a patron leaving drunk/driving. He patiently waited until the closing time, when all the habitual drank drivers’ normally would start pouring out. :beer: Finally he saw a man being thrown out by the management, who could hardly walk. :bugeyes: The guy searched for his car in the parking lot like a lost puppy. Eventually he was able to open one of the cars and got himself in. After some struggle he managed to start the engine. At this point he was almost dozing off on top of the steering wheel. :bore: The cop waited impatiently, because he knew that he got a drunk driver within his grip. In the meanwhile, all the other patrons as well as the bar owners drove off. :bananawav Finally as the guy pulled onto the street, the officer pulled him over and performed the Breathalyzer test on him to find out his blood-alcohol level. To his utter surprise, the officer found that the alcohol level was Zero. :confused:
So he demanded to know how this could have happened. The supposed drunk driver replied that he was the designated decoy that night. His job was to fool the cop. :thebird:

:D

[kenrug]

Originally posted by bfrug
However, I take it that the off topic jokes from Mistress Sara & Scorpio are OK ?Yes. At least what they posted were jokes.

[kenrug]

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture. :D

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!



(Bfrug, would it help if Patty was a cop? ;) )

[Footslave3000]

Did you know that someone got caught jaywalking by 3 female cops? You could tell he tried to copped a plea but got his butt kicked by the 3 female cops.

[sexyassalice]

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a police car???



A hedgehog has the pricks on the outside!!!


:D :D :D :D