Erebus
08-28-2004, 6:30 AM
FANTASY FACESITTING
This is the time of the year, here in the UK, when literally dozens of people all over the country get very excited as they choose their ‘fantasy football’ teams to compete in an imaginary event that lasts 9 months and ultimately leaves them feeling totally p****d. (I know, because I tried it one year, and my ‘keeper scored more goals than all my strikers put together.)
Anyway, it got me thinking.
What about ‘fantasy facesitting’?
This one is still at the draft stage, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
You’re all given a ‘transfer kitty’ of, say, £50,000, and have to put together a ‘fantasy facesitting’ team capable of smothering several men into submission.
(I suggest three girls per team, though if sufficient funds are available, possibly we might increase this by several more. As for the men, I propose five individuals: me, Al – LondonBob, if he’s allowed up that late :) – and two others to be chosen by straws. Doc, of course, will be a shoo-in if he’s still around. I should make it clear that this will be the British league. Other nations are free to form their own leagues, under licence from me. Details on request.)
To procure the services of the ladies, we’ll need access to extensive funds. What I have in mind is that we contact the various facesitting sites and, in return for a hefty donation, we grant them the usual advertising/television rights.
Once the teams have been chosen, you’ll be sent an application form (via email) and , on payment of a reasonable sum – the sterling equivalent of £10, I can’t say fairer than that – you can throw together any team you like.
If there are more than sixty teams, we may have to reduce them by ballot. (I’m a busy man, and can’t spare more than ten months of the year to be sat on. I’m sure I speak for Al and LondonBob, also. We have lives to lead and must draw the line somewhere.)
Though the following list isn’t meant to be exhaustive (though hopefully it will prove exhausting), it’ll give you some idea of what I have in mind:
Hale Berry…………...………£20,000
Britney Spears……………..£5,000
Kelly Brook…………...……..£9,000
Jo Brand……………….........…….50p (or nearest offer)
Jordan………………….....……£12,000
Elizabeth Hurley……………£20,000
Kaitlynn……………………......£30,000
Kylie (Sandy’s Superstars)…£35,000
Kylie Minogue…………….....£7,000
Jenny (from NMLWC)……..£40,000
Jennifer Lopez……………..…£35,000
Misty May…………………......£70,000
Nicole Kidman…………..……£15,000
We could draw up a round robin series of contests, something like this (the names are for illustrative purposes only, and may be subject to change):
1 November
Al v Kaitlynn, Kylie (from Sandy’s Superstars), Jenny (NMLWC)
Erebus v Elizabeth Hurley, Misty May, Jennifer Lopez
LondonBob v Jo Brand, the late Hattie Jacques, Dawn French
(4) v Britney Spears, Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue
(5) v Jordan, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman
8 November
Al v Elizabeth Hurley, Misty May, Jennifer Lopez
Erebus v Kaitlynn, Kylie (from Sandy’s Superstars), Jenny (NMLWC)
LondonBob v Jo Brand, the late Hattie Jacques, Dawn French
(4) v Jordan, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman
(5) v Britney Spears, Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue
15 November
Al v Britney Spears, Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue
Erebus v Jordan, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman
LondonBob (retired hurt)
(4) v Elizabeth Hurley, Misty May, Jennifer Lopez
(5) v Kaitlynn, Kylie (from Sandy’s Superstars), Jenny (NMLWC)
And so on and so forth until we’ve all been sat on by each three-girl team.
The rules are simple. Each girl will sit on her opponent for one hour. As soon as her opponent submits (by the standard release of the red ball – see my ‘Olympic Facesitting Rules’ post), the girl scores one point, allows her opponent fifteen seconds’ recovery time, and sits again. The longer the man resists, the lower the girl’s score. The scores of each three-girl team are tallied and that’s your score, too, if it’s the team you chose.
At the end of the season, the ‘manager’ with the highest score wins, and will receive a book token to the value of £20 to spend on something educational.
It occurs to me that if other countries join in, we might have an ‘international event’ at the end of the year, with the victorious male sittee (ie the man with the lowest score registered against him) from each nation vying with his fellow-victors for the title, ‘Sittee of the Year’.
(I think London was once sittee of the year, but it may have been a different spelling. No matter. I look forward to doing battle with my American cousins. This is my game and I don’t see why I shouldn’t have most of the fun.)
Let’s go for it!
:)
This is the time of the year, here in the UK, when literally dozens of people all over the country get very excited as they choose their ‘fantasy football’ teams to compete in an imaginary event that lasts 9 months and ultimately leaves them feeling totally p****d. (I know, because I tried it one year, and my ‘keeper scored more goals than all my strikers put together.)
Anyway, it got me thinking.
What about ‘fantasy facesitting’?
This one is still at the draft stage, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
You’re all given a ‘transfer kitty’ of, say, £50,000, and have to put together a ‘fantasy facesitting’ team capable of smothering several men into submission.
(I suggest three girls per team, though if sufficient funds are available, possibly we might increase this by several more. As for the men, I propose five individuals: me, Al – LondonBob, if he’s allowed up that late :) – and two others to be chosen by straws. Doc, of course, will be a shoo-in if he’s still around. I should make it clear that this will be the British league. Other nations are free to form their own leagues, under licence from me. Details on request.)
To procure the services of the ladies, we’ll need access to extensive funds. What I have in mind is that we contact the various facesitting sites and, in return for a hefty donation, we grant them the usual advertising/television rights.
Once the teams have been chosen, you’ll be sent an application form (via email) and , on payment of a reasonable sum – the sterling equivalent of £10, I can’t say fairer than that – you can throw together any team you like.
If there are more than sixty teams, we may have to reduce them by ballot. (I’m a busy man, and can’t spare more than ten months of the year to be sat on. I’m sure I speak for Al and LondonBob, also. We have lives to lead and must draw the line somewhere.)
Though the following list isn’t meant to be exhaustive (though hopefully it will prove exhausting), it’ll give you some idea of what I have in mind:
Hale Berry…………...………£20,000
Britney Spears……………..£5,000
Kelly Brook…………...……..£9,000
Jo Brand……………….........…….50p (or nearest offer)
Jordan………………….....……£12,000
Elizabeth Hurley……………£20,000
Kaitlynn……………………......£30,000
Kylie (Sandy’s Superstars)…£35,000
Kylie Minogue…………….....£7,000
Jenny (from NMLWC)……..£40,000
Jennifer Lopez……………..…£35,000
Misty May…………………......£70,000
Nicole Kidman…………..……£15,000
We could draw up a round robin series of contests, something like this (the names are for illustrative purposes only, and may be subject to change):
1 November
Al v Kaitlynn, Kylie (from Sandy’s Superstars), Jenny (NMLWC)
Erebus v Elizabeth Hurley, Misty May, Jennifer Lopez
LondonBob v Jo Brand, the late Hattie Jacques, Dawn French
(4) v Britney Spears, Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue
(5) v Jordan, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman
8 November
Al v Elizabeth Hurley, Misty May, Jennifer Lopez
Erebus v Kaitlynn, Kylie (from Sandy’s Superstars), Jenny (NMLWC)
LondonBob v Jo Brand, the late Hattie Jacques, Dawn French
(4) v Jordan, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman
(5) v Britney Spears, Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue
15 November
Al v Britney Spears, Kelly Brook, Kylie Minogue
Erebus v Jordan, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman
LondonBob (retired hurt)
(4) v Elizabeth Hurley, Misty May, Jennifer Lopez
(5) v Kaitlynn, Kylie (from Sandy’s Superstars), Jenny (NMLWC)
And so on and so forth until we’ve all been sat on by each three-girl team.
The rules are simple. Each girl will sit on her opponent for one hour. As soon as her opponent submits (by the standard release of the red ball – see my ‘Olympic Facesitting Rules’ post), the girl scores one point, allows her opponent fifteen seconds’ recovery time, and sits again. The longer the man resists, the lower the girl’s score. The scores of each three-girl team are tallied and that’s your score, too, if it’s the team you chose.
At the end of the season, the ‘manager’ with the highest score wins, and will receive a book token to the value of £20 to spend on something educational.
It occurs to me that if other countries join in, we might have an ‘international event’ at the end of the year, with the victorious male sittee (ie the man with the lowest score registered against him) from each nation vying with his fellow-victors for the title, ‘Sittee of the Year’.
(I think London was once sittee of the year, but it may have been a different spelling. No matter. I look forward to doing battle with my American cousins. This is my game and I don’t see why I shouldn’t have most of the fun.)
Let’s go for it!
:)